


You're Worth the Shot

by LostLine



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Bringing my old stories here, Damn it's been 5 years already, I was making gifset, I wrote this one in 2014, Inspired by That XX, M/M, for my Tumblr that I later deleted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 17:13:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18077594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostLine/pseuds/LostLine





	You're Worth the Shot

Seunghyun, are you happy? I hope you are. Does your wound hurt? Probably not. You are in heaven, after all. Then, are you happy? 

Do you see me? Do you look after me? As you know, I never believed in ghosts, but now I want to. I want to think that you are somehow still sitting on that chair you liked so much, watching me with those eyes.

I hate your eyes, but you already know that. I always felt naked, weak and useless when you looked at me. Everyone either hated me or feared me, usually both, but you alone looked at me as if you wanted to hug me and never let go. You did, you never let go of me.

But then you ended up dying.

You died, Seunghyun. You are dead. And I'm still here, sitting on this chair you loved so much, wishing that I was resting my head on your chest.

You were always warm. Until that day. Your hand was cold when I last touched it. You didn't respond no matter how many times I called out your name - and I screamed for hours and hours.

Do you look after me? Do you still live in our apartment? 

You are dead, Seunghyun. But you have to be somewhere, right? There is no way you can just not exist, right?

I need you, Seunghyun. I know you are dead. I buried you myself.

But I want you to be alive. I need you to be.

Don't you think 26 is a stupid number? Don't you think dying at that age is stupid, too? You always liked number 27, couldn't you wait?

We were going to run away, remember? You wanted to celebrate our birthdays in a new place where we lived our new lives.

No more crime, no more dirty work, and no more blood.

Just you and me.

Why did you ever take me in that day? I wish you left me alone to bleed out and die. Of course you didn't, why am I even asking. You were always kind and gentle and patient; you were weak.

You are an idiot for not calling the cops. You are an idiot for helping me. By the way, you never told me why you dropped out of medical school.

Fuck.

There are so many things about you that I don't know. And I thought I knew everything that is there to know about you.

I'm weak.

I'm an idiot for staying at your place. I'm an idiot for not doing anything when you wanted to come along.

But you were just so beautiful, and I never had anyone look at me like that.

No one ever loved me.

Then you kissed me. Like you didn't have a care in this world. You left your everything behind, held my hand and kissed me, and I truly believed that you would always stay with me.

So I also decided to leave everything behind, take your hand and run away from this hell.

Now you are not here, and I'm still in this fucking apartment, sitting on this chair you loved so much.

Seunghyun, are you happy?

I wish I can hear your voice again, I want you to call me, tell me to relax and then kiss me. You were always patient with me. Why weren't you ever afraid of me? You saw me kill a man. I showed you who I was, and yet you didn't even flinch, and just wiped the blood off of my face.

You would never hurt anyone. There were times you worked hard to dedicate your life to save people. And yet you loved a murderer.

Murderer is the one you kissed, Seunghyun. The one you hugged so tightly and whispered that everything was going to be alright is a murderer.

Seunghyun, you showed me the meaning of making love and I cried like a pathetic child. I still don't understand how you could be so fucking gentle with me.

Your gentle touches, soft whispers and warm love were all I needed. You were all I needed and wanted, and then you just died on me.

Why did you do it? Why didn't you just let me die? Why did you get in the way? 

Seeing you fall on the floor just like that - It was the worst pain. I never thought I could feel that much pain without dying. Maybe I did die.

You always protected me, treated me as if I was a flower. But I'm the one who cuts all the flowers of this fucked up world, Seunghyun.

You knew. You knew everything. You knew everything about me.

And you loved me.

Seunghyun, are you happy?

I no longer smoke. I don't feel like smoking .I don't feel like eating or drinking or sleeping or anything. I don't feel like breathing.  
I just want you, Seunghyun.

Everything else is the same. The world still turns, the sun still shines, and the people still live their own lives.

My life was you, Seunghyun.  
I loved you.

I still do.

Seunghyun, are you happy?

You know what is weird? I'm glad that you are dead. I really am. As much as I want you to be right here right now, reading me a book, kissing my neck and looking at me with those eyes that I hate so much, I'm glad you are dead.

Because if you weren't, I would have never let you go, and probably would have killed you if you ever ran away from me.

But you wouldn't have done so anyway. I gave you hundreds of chances to leave, but you closed the door and smiled at me everytime I attempted to free you from this hell that is my life. The hell that is me.

I killed you, Seunghyun.

You helped me that night because I was bleeding, you fed me that morning because I was hungry, you bathed me that evening because I was weak, and you kissed me that day because I was sad.

You died because I was so pathetic and because you were so good.

You died because of me.

And yet, Seunghyun ... and yet you managed to say "I love you, Ji" before you weakly smiled and closed those eyes that I loved so much.  
I loved those eyes. I always felt naked, weak and useless when you looked at me. And your eyes told me that it was okay to be naked, weak and useless. They told me that you knew who and what I was, and that you loved me.still. You truly loved me.

You died, Seunghyun. You are dead.

I tried shaking you, I slapped your cheek, I cried, I yelled, and I stayed like that for hours and hours but you never opened those eyes that I love so much. You didn't hug me and told me everything was going to be okay. You didn't smile at me and kissed me.

I'm glad you are dead, Seunghyun. Because if you weren't, I probably would have locked you inside and never let you go. You were the only one who ever loved me, and I was determined to never lose that. Ever.

Maybe you knew. Maybe that is why you stayed. Maybe that is why you loved.

I will never know. You never told me.

Fuck.

There are so many things about you that I don't know.

I turn 26 today, Seunghyun. I wonder if I should shoot myself in the same you place you got shot, or in my heart, so that it is guaranteed.

I don't wish to live another day without you.

Seunghyun, are you happy?

You are weird, Seunghyun. You always were. My dirty tattoos didn't disgust you away, my blond hair didn't seem strange to you, and you didn't say a word when I killed those men. And yet you got worried when I burnt my finger, and you kissed the pain away.  
I know you are not here, Seunghyun. Because if you were here ,you wouldn't let me be like this.

I still take a bath everyday, always in my shirt, wishing you were there to dry my hair with a towel and kiss my nose. That always made me feel like a child.

Child I am not, Seunghyun .But you always treated me like one. Except the nights you spent telling me and showing me your love.

I still put on my rings and go out to work. I killed a man again, Seunghyun.  
Seunghyun, are you happy?

I'm not happy. I never was.

Until I met you that is.

You healed me, you fed me, you bathed me, you hugged me and you kissed me. 

And me? I was happy. I was so fucking happy right there, in your arms. 

Then you died. You are dead, Seunghyun.

Now it is my turn.

I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed in that place you are staying at: Heaven. 

But it is worth the shot. You’re worth everything.

I love you, Seunghyun.


End file.
